Staying Healthy Every Day (Translated from French)

Woman on a running track, ready to run and be healthy

It is said that every day we must eat an apple for its iron and a banana for its potassium. An orange also, for vitamin C, and a cup of sugar-free green tea to prevent diabetes.


Every day, we have to drink two liters of water (yes, and then piss them out, which

requires twice as much time as it took you to drink them).


Every day, you have to drink an Actimel or eat a yoghurt to have the Lactobacillus Casei Defensis, which nobody knows what the hell it is, but it seems that if one swallows at least one and a half million of these bacilli each day, s/he would be well.


Every day, you should take an aspirin to prevent heart attacks, and a glass of red wine, also to prevent heart attacks. And also a glass of white wine, for the nervous system. And one glass of beer, for I-do-not-know-what anymore. If we drink them all together, it could lead to cerebral hemorrhage, but do not worry, because it is one of those diseases which you don’t even realise you have.


Every day, you have to eat fiber. A large, LARGE amount of fiber, until you can shit a sweater. You must eat between 4 and 6 small meals every day, not to mention chewing each bite 100 times. If I were to calculate it all – it would take exactly 5 hours per day to eat.


Ah, and after each meal, you must brush your teeth, after the actimel and the fiber – brush your teeth, after the apple - the teeth, after the banana – the teeth ... and so on until you have 3 teeth left in your mouth! Without forgetting the dental floss, massaging the gums, rinsing with plax...


You have to sleep eight hours and work eight hours, plus the time it takes to eat – a total of 21h. You have 3 hours left, provided there is not too much traffic on your way to work and back.


According to statistics, we watch TV 3 hours a day. This is already impossible, because every day we have to walk for at least half an hour (important: after 15 minutes, go back, otherwise the half hour becomes a whole hour).


You have to maintain friendships because friends are like plants – they need to be watered every day. And that’s true even when you go on holiday, I guess.


In addition, you have to stay informed and read at least two newspapers and a few reviews, to maintain your critical thinking and reading.


Ah! It is also necessary to make love every day, but without turning it into a routine: you must be innovative, creative, and find ways to renew seduction.


It is also important to take the time to mop the floor, to do the dishes, to wash the clothes, and not to mention having a dog or ... CHILDREN!


In short, if you calculate everything, it equals 29 hours a day.


The only solution that comes to mind is to do several things at once. For example, you could take your showers with cold water while keeping your mouth open, and that way you will drink your 2 liters of water per day. As you get out of the shower with the toothbrush in your mouth, you make love to your partner while s/he watches TV and tells you what is going on (as you mop the floor).


You have a free hand? Call your friends! And your parents, and drink the wine (you will need it after calling your parents). You can give the BioPuritas with the apple to your partner while you eat the banana with the Actimel. And the next day you should switch.


Now I’m going to leave you, because between the yogurt, the apple, the beer, the first litre of water and the third meal of fiber for the day, I’m already lost on how far down the list I’ve gone – but I also need to go to the toilet. I will use my time there to brush my teeth!